reset
by ribbonelle
Summary: The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it becomes. Or so they say.
1. I

_a month ago i felt like messing with my own heart so i came up with the idea of this, the very first chapter and thought i'd just leave it at that. i failed. this would be my first ever planned chapter-fic, but i apologize, i have no intention of being committed to this fic and write it all proper and with details, i don't think i'm at that level yet. it'd be more like... a collection of vignettes. reset is going to be FULL of angst, that's one thing for sure._

_i'm sorry for my poor grasp on characterization, mostly, and being too vague on things, but well. here it is. i'm sorry for inflicting this onto all of you who took the time to read c': this is going to be ~9 parts_

* * *

Starscream was excited. He also felt a multitude of other emotions, ranging from apprehension to downright wariness, but the excitement was so extreme it was all-encompassing. It reminded him of how he used to feel when he had his first flight as the Decepticon Air Commander. It was akin to the feeling he had when his application to the Science Academy was accepted.

_Millions _of years had passed. How could he not be excited?

He was aware of Megatron's optics watching him carefully, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He had informed his leader of his relation with the unconscious shuttle, and was truthful. Granted that he omitted a few details pertaining things that were no one else's business.

Like how Skyfire would cradle his face in big, white hands, and run a thumb over his lip components before leaning in. Or Skyfire's laughter against his audial. Or the weight of Skyfire's head in his lap, the light sensation of a kiss against the plating of his thigh.

Starscream could care less about Megatron at the moment.

Mechanisms thrummed as they came to life, Skyfire's internals slowly activating. Millions of years, and finally they'd be reunited again, they'd be together and nothing—

The recently closed panel in Skyfire's head suddenly sparked, electricity jumping from its seams to dance over white plating, crackling and snapping on the metal.

The sudden dread gripping Starscream's spark was overwhelming, "_Soundwave_! What's happening to him?!"

"Frozen circuits responding to forced reactivation badly. Current state of processor: unknown."

And yet Skyfire's frame steadily came alive, even with electricity spitting from his helm. That ceased eventually as Skyfire's optics flickered online, twin shades of blue turning brighter. He groaned wordlessly, fingers curling and uncurling, and Starscream hadn't heard that voice for so long.

"Skyfire?" he asked, his voice unusually quiet.

The shuttle turned his head to the side, his faceplates scrunched up in a frown. He rose slowly to sit on the berth he had been lying on, taking a moment to gather his bearings, looking up only after a moment of silence. His optics recalibrated as he took in the sight of Starscream.

"Who are you?"


	2. II

_i hope it's obvious, but i'll be writing reset from starscream's point of view! so there will be many thoughts and decisions made in this fic that definitely doesn't mirror my opinions and such. i might be p bad at characterizing starscream though, so i apologize for that first! thank you for reading c: __actual interaction will happen in the next chapter, i promise._

* * *

Ice, as it seemed to be, wouldn't result in the satisfying, painful scrape of metal when a mech punched it. It crumbled after a few hard hits, and the cold numbed sensors, and it'd get deep enough to freeze circuitry, and nothing would register from then onwards, no matter how hard one punched.

Punching the walls of the Nemesis was much more gratifying.

Their mission had gone terribly. With the resurrection of Skyfire, who couldn't remember a single _thing, _Starscream and Megatron had argued about the usefulness of the shuttle to the Decepticon army. Megatron had wanted to dispatch Skyfire right there and then, due to his availability and the fact that he was as large as life. The Autobots would have been intimidated.

But Starscream argued otherwise, pointing out that Skyfire knew next to nothing about combat, literally nothing now, and they should treat him the way they do new, valuable recruits. With training. _  
_

Megatron was indubitably ready to blow a hole through Starscream's wing at the rebellion, but Skyfire's processor started sparking up again, and the shuttle fell offline. For a moment, Starscream thought Skyfire died.

It wasn't so, after a quick scan from Soundwave revealed that the surrounding temperature and the rate of processing Skyfire had to do as he took in the shouted words by Megatron and Starscream had caused the already damaged circuitry of his head to act up again. Skyfire was now with Hook.

And Starscream…had avoided being in a room with Skyfire ever since he fell offline again.

He had been angry. He was _still _angry, extremely so, but he had shot at the Autobots viciously earlier, and if the filthy groundpounding excuse of a mech hadn't activated his stupid holoforms, they would have been just new names to add to the Autobot's list of soldiers killed in action. But the turmoil in Starscream's mind blinded him to the decoy, and they were unharmed.

Megatron was going to slag him to pieces soon enough, he knew, but before the warlord had the chance to grab him by the wing, he had flown into the Nemesis at breakneck speed. He needed to vent.

Skyfire remembered nothing.

He didn't remember Cybertron, couldn't remember his enrollment and subsequent lecturing at the Science Academy, couldn't remember his accident. He didn't remember Starscream.

Ten million years, and Skyfire might as well just be dead.

Whose fault was this? Maybe if they haven't rushed his reactivation, if they hadn't forced too much electricity into his systems, his memory files would have been intact. But was he supposed to wait? He had been waiting his _entire life_, could anyone blame him for his impatience? He never thought— he honestly didnt…

"Soundwave," Starscream hissed out, ignoring the rising panic in his spark. It _was _Soundwave's fault. If he had been more competent, if he had been more careful, Skyfire would have been alright. Soundwave was to blame. Not him. Not Starscream.

His HUD flashed with the signal of an incoming comm., stealing him away from his thoughts, and he never realized how badly his damaged hands were shaking as he accepted the call.

/

Hook had seen a lot of things in his lifetime acting as the Decepticon's medic. But watching Starscream rush into the medbay with an expression that could not be described as anything else but vulnerability, Hook was momentarily stunned. He wondered how important the strange shuttle was to Starscream at that moment.

It lasted only for a fraction of an astrosecond, but the Air Commander looked extremely, painfully young.


	3. III

_in which starscream really doesn't know how to cope like an adult. this is as far as i've updated on tumblr! all the chapters are in the works though, but future updates won't be as frequent as it had been. i hope you enjoy, nevertheless! __tbh as much as i like starscream, i always feel like i'm writing him wrong. i'm not sure why. but well. apologies for angst and emotional pain and all that stuff :'c_

* * *

If it were up to Starscream, he didn't want to be in a room with Skyfire ever again.

There was just something so agonizing about searching and longing for someone for millenia, only to have them not remember who you were in the slightest. It was difficult and painful, but Starscream would have preferred to leave it at that. Skyfire didn't remember him. Sure, alright. He'd been through worse._  
_

But life was never that easy for Starscream.

Megatron had found him, eventually. After breaking his cockpit glass and tearing a wing half off its joint, the warlord had ordered Thundercracker and Skywarp to drag their Air Commander for repairs. And while they were at it, he wanted Starscream to report to him afterwards about the shuttle's condition. In detail.

Megatron was one of the reasons why Starscream's life wasn't easy, that was for sure.

He was offline for most of the journey to the medbay; Skywarp usually teleported him, he had explicitly warned the mech once to only warp when carrying a damaged Starscream, he didn't need to be paraded around like a broken doll; and he was only conscious for a few astroseconds before Hook put him under again.

Much like the calm before the storm, Starscream's processor was void of thought as he was repaired.

/

He onlined to Skyfire's voice.

Starscream couldn't make out the words, but it _was_ Skyfire's voice, he'd recognize it anywhere, and for a split second he was overcome with panic. Did he finish Professor Tiltwing's assignment? Skyfire had a habit of letting him sleep more than he initially planned, supposedly not wanting to disturb his recharge cycle. It was one of Skyfire's bad habits. Starscream usually couldn't care less about finishing his assignments (though he almost always did anyway), but he needed a perfect grade for this particular class. He had to make sure there wasn't any faults with his homework.

His optics flashed bright in an attempt to wake himself up right away, and he flexed his wings joint only to feel a foreign tightness in them. His vision recalibrated.

That…wasn't the soft white glow of the habitation suites in the Iaconian Science Academy. The ceiling he was looking at was gray, and dark and…

Oh.

Disappointment was a familiar ache in his spark, but he didn't allow it to show on his faceplates. He still heard Skyfire's voice.

"Finally online, Commander?" Hook sounded sarcastic, and Starscream tilted his head to look at the Constructicon standing by his right side, "Any error reports?"

Starscream took his time scrolling through the alerts flashing on his HUD, and reset his vocalizer, "No. Good job, Hook."

The compliment seemed to surprise the medic, and made his field flare in narcissistic pleasure, but Starscream was already sitting up, executing a routine maintenance check on his systems. He made it a point to _not _look at the other occupant of the medbay.

Skyfire, mindwiped or not, seemed to be just as polite as ever, patiently waiting for anyone to address him. His presence was a tangible thing for Starscream, a specific sort of heat and pressure pressing against his plating. Starscream was acutely aware of Skyfire, and he hated it.

He looked up eventually, meeting Skyfire's optics for the second time after millions of years.

Primus. _Skyfire. _

The shuttle's blue optics went bright with awareness, his wings flicking up in an almost friendly motion, recognizing Starscream, "Hello. We've met before, haven't we? You were there when I first woke up."

Starscream had lifted his chin, returning Skyfire's gaze, conscious of how precisely he was presenting himself. He needed to make it look like he didn't care. Because he didn't. It wouldn't matter either way to Skyfire.

"You may call me Commander Starscream," he stated simply, before turning to Hook, "Status report? How bad is the damage?"

"The damage to his memory files are quite extensive. Instead of thawing, the melting ice conducted electricity and amplified the current in his processor, and burned out a lot of vital parts in his head. There is no way of getting back his old memories. The files have been rendered unreadable, I've checked," he gestured to one of the medical berths, and there were chunks of scorched hardware on a tray, and Starscream tamped down the sharp twinge of despair in his spark, "His nanites are being a little slow at working as they should, though. I suppose being held in stasis made them stop functioning as well, and it's gonna take time for them to start working properly again. Especially on his other memory files. He won't be able to remember so much at first, call it short-term memory loss, if you want a name. Eventually he'll remember the things you tell him, after the nanites have done their job. Aside from that? He's fine."

Starscream took a while to digest everything. Summoning his most bored tone, he said, "That's just great. Does he know your designation?"

"I would think so, if he has been paying attention."

The Air Commander turned to Skyfire, who had been listening quietly. It was getting hard to look at him. Not when he easily returned Starscream's gaze like a stranger, unknowing, "What is his name?"

"Hook, I think."

"And what is mine?"

"Commander Starscream."

"Good," Starscream nodded, not really feeling great at all, "Do you know your designation? State it."

"I am Skyfire, Shuttle frametype, Carrier class. My Creators are Freefall and Rapidfire. The code for my personal comm. is 548-276-2—"

"Stop, stop," Starscream shook his head, glancing at Hook and away again, "We don't need it. Not yet."

Hook crossed his arms, "His personality drive wasn't damaged, all the basic data of his identity in there is still accessible. Just his memories."

"I gathered as much. Wait. Check your comm. transmission, is it still working? Have you been receiving messages while you were in stasis?"

Silence, as Skyfire assessed the records of his internal comm. and eventually tilted his head in a familiar way, "21 messages, all in the same timeframe and within less than 3 kliks of one another, I haven't played them yet but—"

"Delete those," Starscream's tone was hard, unyielding, "There are of no value."

Skyfire seemed to contemplate it, "But—"

"Do not make me repeat myself again. That's an order, delete them." His optics narrowed dangerously, every inch the Decepticon Air Commander he is, "I rescued you, I brought you here to my base. If you think you can survive out there on this foreign planet all alone, then be my guest. Or shut up and do what I tell you."

The surprise on Skyfire's face was jarring, like he had been struck. Starscream did _not _allow himself to feel guilty. Why would he be? The mech was a stranger to him, just a new Decepticon recruit; they've never shared a past, they've never met.

If Skyfire could remember nothing, then Starscream could too.

"Megatron will decide what to do with you eventually," he said dismissively, and addressed Hook again, "Figure out what would work for him. Modifications, improvements, whatever that would make him a better soldier. Do not install anything yet. Simply be at the ready."

"Yes, Commander."

The jet pushed himself off the medical berth and flexed his wings, ready to leave. He paused for a while, and turned to Skyfire, who was watching him with curious, wary optics, "Tell me if you remember his name."

Skyfire reset his optics, looking at Hook, and frowned, "I.. I'm afraid not."

"Do you remember mine?"

The shuttle glanced at him then, and nodded, "Commander Starscream. I remember yours."

The sharp laugh that escaped Starscream wasn't even intentional, "Of course you do."

Life really was out to get Starscream, one way or another.


	4. IV

_i'm not so great at writing character dynamics i'm not familiar with! megatron and starscream are definitely one of those deals. but well. skyfire being skyfire, despite not remembering jack shit. and starscream's…starscream._

* * *

"I'm not letting you send him out there without proper training!" Starscream hissed, his optics narrowing to two pinpricks of bloody red light, "Things _will _go wrong and most of our soldiers would be inside him, do you really want to take that big a risk?! Are you _trying _to lose more than half of your army? Stop being idiotic, Lord Megatron."

The warlord's frown was impressive, and it was a wonder he hadn't struck Starscream yet, "Again and again, you test my patience. You defy me, you disrespect me, and you-"

"Cut the slag," interjected Starscream, ignoring the gasps and snickers coming from the other Decepticons currently in the command room, "Either you order to send him into battle, or not. I'm not letting you. Beat me to slag, whatever, make it a public show. I'm not backing down on this one, Megatron." There were things unsaid, but Skyfire was there with them, and Starscream wasn't going to address those issues.

Megatron was a mech of a few moods when it came to his Second-in-Command. Most of those emotions were negative; all of them, really; ranging from extreme violent urges to mellower ones. Right now, he was amused. It was an odd transition.

"You really do care about him, don't you?"

Starscream's optics flared in great offense, fighting the urge to glance at Skyfire to see if he heard. Of course he did. Why did Megatron have to complicate things out of proportion?!

The silence was loaded with tension, almost exclusively coming from Starscream as he pointedly looked at a monitor and frowned at it. Megatron's smirk felt like it was burning through his plating, and if Starscream looked at the mech, he'd probably do something stupid. Not to say he hadn't already fragged up.

Megatron walked towards him casually, all slow deliberation and the background noise of the watching Decepticons died down. A plea sat heavy on Starscream's glossa, but he really wasn't going to back down about Skyfire. The shuttle was _his _friend. His responsibility, despite how disgustingly sentimental the notion seemed. _  
_

Black fingers curled over the distal part of his left wing, and Megatron leaned in, his voice quiet and dangerous, "Your concern is touching. But challenge me in front of my soldiers over some petty stranger again, and I will kill you. I'll make him watch, too. Do you understand?"

Typical. But the pressure exerted on his wing was really starting to hurt, and Starscream nodded quickly, grimacing, "Yes, sir."

"Good," Megatron let him go, and smirked once more, "Since you care for him so much, you're in charge of his training. Polish him till he _is _battle-ready. Take too long, Starscream, and pay the price. I will hold you accountable for every mistake he makes."

"As you wish, Lord Megatron," replied Starscream through gritted dentae. The warlord was definitely trying to antagonize him. The Decepticon SIC reduced to a babysitter? Shameful.

Megatron lifted a hand and waved in dismissal, "Get out of my sight and bring him with you. I await reports of significant progress, Starscream."

Starscream bowed slightly and turned around, jerked his head at Skyfire so the shuttle would follow, and left the command room. His spark was fiery and bright with repressed anger, but there was nothing he could do at the moment. It wasn't as if added hatred for his master would kill him, it was more like fuel to ensure his eventual success of overthrowing the moronic buckethead. Someday.

He strode confidently in the hallways of the Nemesis, a clear destination in mind. Battle techniques and strategies took a number of things into account, skills and frame type being one of the major aspects, and there were only two other mechs as large as Skyfire.

Skyfire reset his vocalizer suddenly, loud enough for Starscream to hear, "I'm sorry, Commander."

The apology made Starscream slow down, turning a little to frown at Skyfire as they continued their journey, "Why the slag are you sorry?"

"I don't want to assume anything, but all of this seems to be caused by my presence? Lord Megatron's orders, I mean. I apologize, just in case."

Starscream watched him for a while, giving the notion some thought, "You know, this actually could be your fault. I doubt we would be here if you hadn't crashed on this stupid planet in the first place. If you had been more careful..." his voice trailed off, and he shook his head, "No. We never expected a planet to have such a volatile climate. It isn't your fault. There was just ice, everywhere. You _were_ experienced, more than I was, but neither of us had gone on extensive explorations prior to meeting each other. It was pure bad luck, I suppose."

He had gone off on a tangent, a little distracted by thoughts of the past. It really wasn't Skyfire's fault, nor was it his. That didn't explain the bitter, black taste in his oral cavity but that didn't matter much, either.

They kept on walking, seemingly less tense than before. Skyfire asked quietly, curiosity evident in his tone, "I was more experienced?"

"Yes. You were a lecturer at the science academy. I was a student. You travelled a few times before we met and partnered up."

"You must have been a really good student to have gone on explorations so early."

Starscream scoffed, his tone turned smug, "Good? I was one of the best. They weren't open to accepting warbuilds into the Academy, much less fliers from Vos, but I showed them. You had a hard time getting accepted yourself, but unlike you, I did it with flair. Everyone knew who I was. You were the quiet, nice shuttle who did a good job at teaching, but I was the bright, loud seeker who shot down each and every one of their shallow assumptions. They hated my guts, and I hated them in turn. I would have blown them all out of the water academically if they didn't frag up and not send a search team for-why am I even telling you this."

He stopped in front of the door to Astrotrain and Blitzwing's shared quarters, and folded his arms, meeting Skyfire's optics. The mech looked exactly the same as he did millions of years ago. The only noticeable difference was that he had a different look on his faceplates.

Skyfire would have looked at Starscream in a certain way, before, the light of his optics turned dim with fondness, his lip components always curved slightly into a small smile, one that made Starscream feel all weak and soft inside. He seemed simply curious, now, watching Starscream like he was viewing a datapad. There wasn't any deeper emotion there.

"This means nothing to you. Why should you even know? You're not that mech anymore."

The shuttle frowned a little at Starscream's words, "With all due respect, Commander, even if I don't remember these occurrences, they were a part of my life. They're part of me, and how I am the way I am. I may not ever remember, but I've existed for millennia, as you have informed me, and that has to count for something, right? It must have mattered somehow, don't you think?"

'No,' Starscream thought, ignoring the ache in his spark, 'It doesn't, apparently.'

"Whatever," was what he said instead, unfolding his arms and moved to push open the doors of his subordinates' habsuite, wanting to drop the conversation as soon as possible. Whatever answer he chose to give Skyfire didn't matter, either. He was nothing to Starscream, just as Starscream was nothing to him.

Maybe if Starscream kept reminding himself of that, he'd believe it.


	5. V

_this is a light-hearted chapter (somewhat). but i'm sure things seem repetitive at this point, what with starscream and his internal thoughts. well. next chapter would make things more complicated for sure aha. starscream is...warming up to his friend. i apologize for the way i write these guys. _

* * *

"Hey Starscream!" Ramjet yelled from where he was sitting, wedged comfortably in between his trinemates, "How's the new pet? You broken him in yet?!"

Starscream didn't spare the coneheads a glance; not when Dirge and Thrust were giggling and whispering like the pair of twits they were; and strode over to one of the farther tables, dropping himself into a chair, his frown impressive.

Skyfire pulled the chair opposite Starscream as politely as ever, not paying attention to the mocking trine behind him. Starscream grumbled under his breath. Great. Now he had to refuel while looking at Skyfire, as if he didn't have recurring recharge fluxes starring the shuttle already.

"Well _hey, _Starscream," said a voice above Starscream's head, and Skywarp plopped into the empty chair next to the seeker, smiling a little too wide, "Look at what we have here. Skyfire, right?"

Skywarp was dragging his vowels in a way Starscream had always found extremely annoying, and there was no mistaking the mischief in the mech's field. Thundercracker sat on Starscream's other side, ignoring the warning look his Air Commander shot him.

To his credit, Skyfire nodded after little hesitation, more curious than intimidated, "Yes. And you are?"

Skywarp squawked in mock indignation, a hand fluttering up to his chestplates, as if wounded, "Starscream hasn't mentioned us yet? Wow. What a good trinemate." He leaned back, draping an arm around Starscream's shoulders, "I'm Skywarp. He's Thundercracker. You're Skyfire. We both have skies in our names, fancy _that."_

_"_Get your filthy hands off of me or lose them."

As ridiculous as he was, Skywarp definitely had a sense of survival. He retracted his arm and placed it on the table instead, his smirk still insufferable, "So you don't remember anything, right? Shame."

Skyfire seemed rightfully puzzled, pausing a little longer this time, "I don't think so. Um..."

"Yeah, well, I was going to ask you what Starscream was like in school. Everyone knows that he's a nerd. But what _sort _of nerd, y'know? You coulda told us embarrassing stories. Blackmail-worthy stuff. And me and TC wanna know if he'd scream when he's fragged silly so-"

"_Enough,_" Starscream screeched, drowning out his trinemate's voice, "I am going to kill you, Skywarp, Then I'll kill Thundercracker too, because I hateyou." _  
_

Skywarp slipped out his seat quickly enough, barely dodging Starscream's swinging hand, meant for the back of his head. He narrowed his eyes at the Decepticon Air Commander, but his grin was sharp, "Talk about defensive. We're just trying to make friends, Starscream."

"You don't deserve friends, you deranged glitch." Starscream countered, "Get us fuel or I'll add two more joors to your patrol shift. Hurry up."

The seeker opened his mouth to complain, but Starscream shot him a look, so he closed it again. He huffed nevertheless, stomping over to drag Thundercracker out of his seat. Thundercracker simply went with the motion, probably not in the mood to argue with Skywarp or Starscream. They left.

Skyfire seemed perplexed, and slightly amused, and Starscream had to take a moment to keep his expression neutral. It reminded him so much of the times when Starscream would fight with some of his colleagues in front of Skyfire, and spit out creative insults that Skyfire would ask him about eventually. He confessed to Starscream once that he was quite impressed by the seeker's ability to come up with colorful barbs.

Starscream was doing it again. He was failing, once more.

He was digging his fingers into the plating of his thighs when Skyfire spoke, curious, "Sir? Were those your trinemates?"

"Yes."

"I've never met them before, have I?"

"They first saw you when we got you out of the ice. So, no. We were trined after the war. They've heard about you, though."

Multiple times. Only when Starscream was drunk and his glossa was loose, or when he was feeling extremely melancholy.

Skyfire nodded, "The war. Astro and Blitz told me what they knew about it, as well as Hook. I...can't seem to remember parts of what they told me, but I understand what happened generally. I'll try my best to contribute."

From his reports, Hook had informed Starscream of the gradual improvement of Skyfire's processor. The shuttle's nanites were slowly functioning again, and his memory was definitely getting better. The short term memory loss wasn't as consistent as it was, and with time, it'd disappear completely.

This didn't mean his memories were coming back, of course, but there was nothing that could be done about that.

In fact, Starscream wasn't even thinking about Skyfire's general health at the moment, or what he said about contributing to their movement. His mouth twisted in disgust, his faceplates morphing into an extremely displeased expression.

"...Astro? _Blitz?_"

Skyfire reset his optics in surprise before straightening up, nodding, "Oh, I meant. Astrotrain and Blitzwing. They've asked me to call them that, that's why I-"

"Nicknames. How adorable."

His tone was blatantly dismissive, and Skyfire went quiet for a moment. There was silence, but Starscream knew for a fact that Skyfire was contemplating speaking up again.

He was right, "Commander Starscream, I've been meaning to ask you-"

There was a loud _'vop'_, and Skywarp reappeared with Thundercracker behind Starscream, a slag-eating grin on his face, "We're back!"

"What joy," said Starscream in his most bored tone, but he was honestly quite grateful. He knew that Skyfire had been planning to bring up something he didn't want to address. Yet.

In fact, it had been a few days since Skyfire first attempted to strike up a conversation with him, asking him questions about the shuttle's past. It was a rational course of action, considering Skyfire knew that only Starscream had any knowledge about his existence before the war and before his crash. Skyfire clearly was wondering about himself. He seemed deeply troubled by it, too, his faceplates always clouded over with despair.

How could he not be, though. Being suddenly introduced into a chaotic world without any recollection about anything was a terrible fate. An even more terrible fate than death, Starscream thought, but he couldn't bring himself to think about death and Skyfire at the same time.

And Starscream had failed, too.

He had meant to keep his distance from Skyfire. Skyfire _was _important to him, but the shuttle they had discovered in the ice wasn't quite Skyfire now, was he? This mech was a mere stranger.

A stranger who had been Starscream's best friend, mentor and lover, whom Starscream had felt true happiness with, whom Starscream had mourned over, the mech that Starscream had wanted to be bonded to for the rest of his life cycle.

Skyfire might not remember, but despite his efforts, Starscream remembered their past too well.

He had tried. Oh, did he try. But Skyfire's physical presence on the Nemesis was like a magnet. It had seemed easy to ignore the mech, since Starscream had been surviving for ten million years without him anyway, but _knowing _that Skyfire was physically present and tangible overwhelmed Starscream at times, unable to resist the desire to alleviate his deep-seated longing.

Why was he depriving himself of the shuttle's company, anyway? It wasn't like Starscream was going to do anything. Maybe he could indulge a little, revel in the fact that Skyfire was alive and near, Being in close proximity with Skyfire was enough. Things couldn't ever be the way they were back on Iacon, as they were before the war. Too much had changed. So this was enough.

He watched Skyfire listen to Skywarp chatting away, a small smile on the shuttle's face from Skywarp's comical enthusiasm. The smile didn't reach his optics, not like it used to long ago.

But this was enough.

Starscream absently entertained the thought of being honest with himself, someday.


	6. VI

_things happen here. i've never been really good at writing plug and play, but i made an attempt! hence, warnings for non-sexual interfacing in this chapter, involving cables and all that stuff (though charge overloads are still a thing). will i ever stop writing angst the way i do? im afraid no one has an answer._

* * *

He knew some part of him should have expected this. Things would turn difficult no matter what, at some point in time. Skyfire always made things difficult for Starscream.

The shuttle was standing in front of his quarters, hands clasped together in a modest display, a hopeful look on his face. Starscream could tell him to go away, say that Skyfire had no business knocking on his door, ever. He could have been the most hostile mech on the Nemesis, which wasn't far from the truth either.

He didn't do any of those things. He folded his arms instead, frowning at his subordinate, "What."

"I'm sorry for bothering you, Commander, but I...have a request."

"What makes you think I'd do anything for you?"

Skyfire balked, but his composure was intact and Starscream hated him a little for that, "I didn't mean to assume, sir, but if you could maybe hear my request, first? You've helped me along so far, and I thank you for it. I hope you'll consider doing so once more."

"What the frag do you want?" Starscream made a face, deciding that he couldn't listen to Skyfire being too _nice _anymore. That had always been the shuttle's biggest vice. He stepped back, opening his door wider, and Skyfire took it as an invitation to enter Starscream's quarters.

It wasn't until the seeker had locked the door behind them did he come to the realization that he was probably making a really big mistake.

"Commander Starscream," Skyfire seemed to steel himself, before continuing, "From what I understand, you're the only mech on this ship who knew me prior to my accident. You sought me out, you helped me, and I don't know what changed, but there is no one else but you who came to my aid in millions of years."

"Ten," Starscream said, without thinking, "Ten million years."

Skyfire's face fell in his grief, but he nodded, looking at the ground for a while, "Yes. I need your help. I...Would you share your memories with me? Through a hardline?"

Starscream's jaw dropped. His optics went extremely bright. He was shocked, and it didn't help that Skyfire had looked up again, his expression unwavering. Determination was etched into his faceplates.

"You're asking me to establish an interface with you."

"Yes. Hook said that it could be shallow and void of other data, I don't need anything else, I'd just like to see images and maybe video feeds or voice clips, Commander, I don't mean to take advantage of you at all. It could be as brief as you want. I just..." sorrow clouded his features, and it seemed as if he was struggling to keep his neutral expression, and failing, "_I don't know who I am._"

Sorrow and Skyfire didn't go well together, as far as Starscream remembered. Skyfire had his moments, mostly from suppressed frustration, be it from his occupation or the discrimination against aerial frametypes in the Academy, but he rarely was in grief.

The way he looked now felt wrong to Starscream. It shouldn't be this way. Starscream had never been able to push Skyfire away for too long, anyway.

He curled his hands into fists a few times, thinking it over. He froze for a moment in realization, and narrowed his optics at the shuttle, "You heard those messages, didn't you?"

Guilt was evident in the way Skyfire jolted, and Starscream cursed himself. He should have just ordered Hook to delete the comms using a medical override, but he didn't! Careless, _stupid _mistake.

"I'm sorry. I did. It was...difficult to erase them, sir. I had literally nothing in my databanks. The received comms were in an entirely different external hard drive and I just. I had to. I need to know. And you-"

"No. Shut up," Starscream lifted a hand sharply. He did not want to hear what Skyfire had to say about the comms. He couldn't remember what they consisted of exactly, but he knew the gist of it, and that was enough. Skyfire shouldn't have heard them. "An interface. Fine. I'll show you. A one-way link only. "

Skyfire's optics brightened at the acceptance and he smiled, nodding, "Yes, sir. Thank you. Thank you very much."

"Yes," the seeker's vocalizer halted momentarily, somehow just noticing the gravity of what he was going to do with Skyfire, but he pushed the thought from his processor with violence. It wasn't the same anymore. This was simply an information transfer, there was nothing romantic about it.

That didn't really explain why he moved to sit on the berth, expecting Skyfire to do the same. Skyfire followed suit without question nevertheless, and opened his chest panel as Starscream did the same.

Starscream pulled one of his cables out and took a while to compose himself. He could exert control anytime with a one-way link. He could stop the feed whenever he wished, he could block Skyfire easily. Nothing would go wrong.

"You done?"

Skyfire nodded and Starscream moved a little closer, reaching up to connect them. He traced a circle along the rim of Skyfire's port, only to belatedly register that he was doing it out of habit, and plugged himself in. Skyfire inhaled audibly, and Starscream focused.

He knew how to suppress his thoughts and emotions through a hardline. Multiple uplinks with the Decepticons had made that necessary, it would be just the same with Skyfire. Starscream delved into his own memory files, the ones dated millennia ago, and carefully chose what to show Skyfire.

He started out with their first encounter.

It wasn't anything special. Starscream had heard of the shuttle who lectured, and rumors of a fiery Seeker having entered the Science Academy had reached Skyfire's audials. Perhaps if they didn't share the same interest in xenobiology, space exploration, and the thrill of traversing emptiness to seek something beyond their knowledge, they wouldn't have met. But it was inevitable considering their passions. It was not romantic in the least.

Their first meeting was fairly formal. Starscream remembered taking note of Skyfire's disposition; just because they both had flight-capable altmodes didn't mean they were suddenly brothers-in-arms; remembered how nice Skyfire was. Mechanisms that were too nice made Starscream feel sick, but that wasn't the case with Skyfire.

He seemed genuine. It was almost disorienting.

At the moment, Skyfire was only seeing things from Starscream's viewpoint. It wasn't really fair. Not that Starscream and Skyfire haven't swapped cables before, a long time ago, and Starscream generally understood what Skyfire thought of him, but...

His thoughts were straying, and Skyfire made another noise at the glimpse of emotion. Starscream steeled himself stubbornly.

Another file, another memory. The one time Starscream attended Skyfire's lectures. Starscream approaching him to ask a few questions. Accidentally bumping into one other out of Academy grounds. Skyfire watching Starscream punch a mech so hard the joints of his jaw unaligned, also by accident. Starscream in a bar, amused by the sight of a slightly tipsy Skyfire attempting to dance with his colleagues. Their first lunch together. Files that Starscream hadn't visited for years.

It was inevitable that he lost control of his emotions. He had always been terrible at keeping them in check when it came to Skyfire.

Skyfire had curled his fingers into fists, optics offline, panting a little. The charge was undoubtedly overwhelming him, Starscream's emotions intensifying it. His wings flicked up and down, and the resetting click of his fans was becoming more frequent. He was trying not to activate them.

He looked really good.

Starscream looked away.

He moved on to other things in the files, little details. Skyfire had wanted to know what he was like before, and all Starscream could offer was personal insights.

Like how Skyfire used to look like when he worked on his projects, optics focused on whatever he had in hand, his frame lax yet his grip firm, and he was almost painfully gentle. He moved with confidence and grace, but was very meticulous. It was reminiscent to how he was when they were-

Starscream dismissed that train of thought. His self-control was pathetically lacking, today. He tried again.

He showed Skyfire some logs of their explorations together, video files of Skyfire holding up various organisms while informing Starscream of their characteristics. His delighted tone and consequent laughter was intoxicating, as it always had been. Starscream remembered their experience on this star very well; it was on the far edge of the Fluctus-78 constellation; there had been a phenomenon that was reminiscent to Earth's natural incidence concerning charged particles, humans called them auroras.

Skyfire had kissed him with the lights in the background, murmuring things about electrons and protons into his mouth.

Starscream couldn't recall offlining his optics, but he opened them to see that he had moved closer to Skyfire, and his fingers were inches from the shuttle's. Skyfire himself was looking up at Starscream, blue optics bright. Neither said a word.

He hated how weak Skyfire made him. He brought his hand away, only to touch Skyfire's open chest panel, fingers resting over Skyfire's unoccupied cable.

"May I?"

Skyfire nodded, shuddering visibly from Starscream's pleasure at his acceptance, and Starscream pulled the cable out, deftly plugging it into himself. He didn't think too long about it. He was already drowning, anyway.

Emotions bombarded him. Skyfire's confusion and anxiety almost made him cry out, but the underlying gratification grounded him. Skyfire's questions weren't answered, nor did their connection do anything to restore his memory, but he had wanted this. Assurance. He had needed to know that he truly did exist once upon a time, that he had been well and happy and stable, and the knowledge gave him hope. Skyfire was thankful. Starscream's spark was going mad in its casing.

He was tugged gently in their minds, Skyfire inviting him deeper. It was different than all the times they've interfaced before, mostly from how empty Skyfire's databanks were now. He used to be full of data, filed neatly into different sections and folders, but all Starscream could sense currently was just the few memories Skyfire had made since he came back online.

The shuttle was clearly very inexperienced, unable to regulate the charge between them, nor could he keep his emotions in check, but it didn't really matter. Skyfire's presence was all around him, and it was easy to lose himself in the familiarity.

:_Skyfire-: _his own voice was loud, harsh, :_Skyfire, where the slag are you? Fly upwards! I'm okay, I'm out of the snowstorm. Come on.:_

The messages. Skyfire wanted to share them with him. As if Starscream didn't remember what he said. Starscream's displeasure was acknowledged, but Skyfire pulsed comfort and a plea, and Starscream gave in.

:_Don't do this to me.:_

_:Skyfire, Primus, I'm here! I'm right here, come to me, where are you? I can't-where _are _you?!:_

_:Sky. Are you fragging dead?! Answer me, you answer me right now or I swear I'll kill you-:_

_:Please just say something, I can't see anything, I can't see you. I take it back, I take it all back just please, Skyfire, please get out of there.:_

_:Sky. Primus below, Skyfire. Please. _Please._:_

Starscream flinched back from the next comm., recognizing the sound of him weeping, and Skyfire's apology was warm and genuine. He was concerned, his kindness overwhelming. It was just the same as before. The only thing different was that there were no constant pulses of love and affection from Skyfire, and it was almost enough to break Starscream's spark. But it was alright. Starscream would take anything he could have.

His hands were still flat against Skyfire's open panel and he curled his fingers, touching the shuttle in ways that sent sharp signals through their joint connection. Skyfire shook, and Starscream let himself go.

It didn't take long till overload. Skyfire's rocketing, uncontrolled charge and Starscream's lack of inhibitions brought them both over the edge, and Skyfire's broken gasping was the last straw for the Seeker.

Cables still sparking slightly from the charge, Starscream surged forward and kissed Skyfire, trembling fingers hovering over the shuttle's shoulders, unsure. But the kiss itself was certain and desperate, and Skyfire's hands lifted slowly to hold Starscream's hips.

"Tell me to stop," Starscream said against Skyfire's plating, faint static in his voice, "If you don't want this, in any way, just say so."

Their ongoing interface broadcasted Starscream's intent, and there was no way Skyfire would not understand.

He wanted to touch Skyfire, wanted to be as close toSkyfire as physically possible so _desperately_ it was a tangible desire, one that was pressing down on his spark so heavily he felt that it'd extinguish his life force altogether. The extent of his yearning had finally caught up to him, and Starscream couldn't help himself.

Skyfire kissed him. It was chaste and understanding, and it was also filled with pity but Starscream was too far gone to care. Skyfire didn't love him, not now, but Starscream could pretend. Maybe the ache would lessen, with this.

He finally placed his hands on Skyfire's shoulders, slid his arms around the mech's neck, and pulled him into an embrace.


	7. VII

_a direct continuation from the last part. there is sticky, here. quite a lot of it, actually. so **NSFW** warning! if you don't want to read the interfacing, you can totally skip till the very last bit. two more parts, and i'll be wrapping reset up. reminder that i totally wrote this without seriously thinking of plot development and such, which is why the whole thing might not be so great. but enjoy nevertheless. thank you for reading._

* * *

It felt real.

Skyfire's arms around him were solid and warm, the shuttle's lip components against his was awkward yet eager, just as wanting. Starscream licked along the side of those lips and dipped his tongue inside Skyfire's mouth to trace the shuttle's teeth, finding the slight dent at the back of Skyfire's left fang; result of an incident that had occurred long before they met, Skyfire once told him; and he trembled.

This was real. He was holding Skyfire, no one else.

The noise he made must have been terrible, because Skyfire clutched at him tighter, palms spanning over his wings in reassurance. They lingered as he explored Starscream's frame, like it was their first time. In a sense, it was.

Starscream himself was almost frantic, touching Skyfire everywhere. His frame was familiar. It felt right.

His fingers brushed over their hardline connection, and he snapped out of his reverie. With regret, he pulled back and unplugged Skyfire out of himself.

Skyfire protested with a whimper, but was silenced by a kiss and Starscream reached for his own cable in the shuttle. He tugged it out slow before pressing his fingers over Skyfire's vacant port. Static stung his digits; he welcomed the mild pain. Maintaining a hardline connection through this would prove to be detrimental, Starscream was sure. He had exposed too much of himself before, he can't afford to lose total control over their situation; the connection had to be terminated.

He kissed Skyfire again, and they were lost in it for a while.

Touching Skyfire was something Starscream fell into with relative ease. The curve of the shuttle's sides felt right, and there was no difficulty for Starscream to shift just so Skyfire's front didn't press uncomfortably against his cockpit. The physical contact, coupled with Skyfire's low, hitched noises was fuel for Starscream's desire. Their kisses turned carnal, a little desperate, and Starscream soon pushed Skyfire down to lie on the berth, gripping at the mech's shoulders.

Skyfire followed the motion with little hesitance.

Starscream kissed Skyfire's mouth one last time, passionate enough to make Skyfire's engine rev loudly, then he moved away to trail his lip components down Skyfire's frame. He peppered kisses along the way, teeth scraping over the glass of Skyfire's front, fingers dipping into the seams, and eventually reached down to rub his palm against Skyfire's warm panel. It had always been a shame that he couldn't kiss Skyfire and do this at the same time, but it didn't matter.

He looked up, and Skyfire's optics were bright with uncertainty. It was almost enough to make Starscream stop. He didn't want doubt from Skyfire.

"Is this okay?" he made himself ask, instead of slipping off the berth and out his own quarters altogether, "Am I causing you discomfort?"

"It's alright," Skyfire shook his head, his hands lifting to touch Starscream's wings again, tracing the edges, tentative, "You aren't. I'm just…This is new."

He had never been touched, in his mind, and Starscream nodded in understanding, "Do you want this? We don't have to if you—"

"I want it. I want you, Commander," Skyfire exhaled, and his mouth remained partially open in a pause. It had seemed as if he wanted to say something else, but didn't, opting to push himself up on his elbows and pull Starscream a little higher, catching the Seeker's mouth again. It was unexpected, and so was Starscream's moan in response, but their fans clicked on and there was no more hesitation.

Skyfire's panel slid open and Starscream touched him there, fingertips rubbing against the bared lips of his valve. Starscream circled the opening of the valve with his digits, and dipped his head to lavish attention onto Skyfire's front, where glass met metal. He slid his glossa along the seams and Skyfire's entire frame shuddered, a shaky moan escaping the shuttle. His head dropped back and his optics offlined, overcome by sensation.

Starscream still remembered what Skyfire liked, where he enjoyed to be touched most. He had assumed that maybe it would be a little different now, but Skyfire still gasped from a bite to a particular hip cable; he still moaned aloud when Starscream pushed a few fingers into the slats of his vents. Turning Skyfire on was easy when Starscream knew all his sweet spots and he sought them out like they had never stopped doing this. Lubricant pulsed out of Skyfire's valve, staining Starscream's fingers, and Starscream worked him open gently, murmuring low words of comfort.

It wasn't long till Skyfire's hips were jerking, sporadic, need taking over his higher cognitive function. He covered his face with a hand, as if ashamed of the noises he was emitting. It was endearing. Starscream leaned down and pressed a kiss to the rise of his pelvic array.

Skyfire moaned into his own palm, "Please."

Starscream nodded, and took out his fingers. He cleaned his digits with his glossa, and crawled back up to take Skyfire's hand away, uncovering the shuttle's face. The blush on Skyfire's cheekplates was bright, and Starscream just had to kiss his quivering lips.

Starscream's panel retracted and Skyfire reached up to hold onto Starscream's shoulders, undulating his frame upon feeling the slide of Starscream's spike on his abdomen. Their kiss broke with Starscream sighing; Skyfire seemed reluctant to let him go, and Starscream himself was hesitant. But their size difference had always been a hindrance for constant kisses during interfacing. It was fine.

Usually they would be connected via a hardline, and the emotional exchange helped, but— this was fine.

The Seeker kissed down Skyfire's frame again, and Skyfire's legs parted eagerly. He glanced up, a question on the tip of his glossa, but Skyfire nodded a few times, seemingly needy. Starscream could only indulge him.

He pushed in, and Skyfire moaned in gratitude.

It was overwhelming. Skyfire's frame, Skyfire's voice. Starscream moved and it was white and red plating under his palms, and he couldn't— it just felt _right._ He wanted to give Skyfire everything. Anything Skyfire wanted, as long as he'd be with Starscream for eternity.

Charge rose in his systems like high tide, and Starscream couldn't have lasted long. "Skyfire," he hissed, voice cracking somewhere in between the syllables, "Primus, _Skyfire."_

Skyfire's hands reached blindly for Starscream's head, fingers a reverent touch over his cheeks, his chin and lip components. His caresses were so gentle it made Starscream ache. Starscream rolled his hips faster, and Skyfire's soft gasping broke his spark. He came with Skyfire's name in his throat, not daring to say it aloud, lest he blurted out something he shouldn't.

The shuttle's valve tightened periodically on his spike, Skyfire's hands an ever soothing presence on his faceplates. Starscream's fans were a roar, and he exhaled steam over the glass of Skyfire's front for a moment, watching how water condensed on the cooler surface.

He was spent, but he ground his hips downwards harder, and Skyfire's venting stuttered audibly, still helplessly aroused. Starscream pushed himself up and touched Skyfire's spike housing. "Open for me?"

The cover snapped back immediately, Skyfire's spike rising in between their frames. It was almost a ridiculous notion, but Starscream had missed Skyfire's spike _badly._ He wrapped fingers around it and leaned to push his lips against it, loving how Skyfire's entire frame rattled at the stimulation. It had been a while. It had been forever.

He wanted it.

He let go of the spike and opened his valve cover. Starscream surged up to kiss Skyfire's lips, only once, and swung a leg over the shuttle's supine frame. Skyfire's chest was still heaving from exertion and desire, and Starscream had to steady himself, a palm flat on Skyfire's torso. His other hand reached under to ease Skyfire's spike into himself, the equipment leaking and hot to the touch.

"C-commander?"

Starscream sunk down on the spike, and his wings snapped upwards in the pleasure. He had missed this.

The stretch inside of him, the heft and girth of Skyfire's spike, he had missed it terribly. It felt like home. Starscream offlined his optics, scrunched his faceplates for a moment. He wasn't crying in front of Skyfire, because of interfacing. That wouldn't happen.

Skyfire had reached for his hips, head thrown back in bliss. Starscream appreciated the expression on the shuttle's faceplates; it looked divine. Skyfire was biting at his lip components, apparently trying his best to stay still so that Starscream wouldn't topple off of him, or anything of the sort. Starscream couldn't help a little smile. That was so like Skyfire.

He pushed himself up, and slid back down again. He had already reached his peak, but riding Skyfire's spike felt amazing, and he wanted to bring Skyfire there, too. Skyfire's fingers on Starscream's sides kept twitching, his grip loosening and tightening till he decided he couldn't take it anymore. The hands slid to support Starscream's back, and Skyfire sat up. He kissed the Seeker hungrily, hands slipping back down to urge Starscream's legs to rest on either side of him, and Starscream obliged.

Skyfire was holding him close, and Starscream felt vulnerable. But the new position pressed Skyfire deep inside him, and Skyfire's chest was steady comfort, and Starscream gave in. It felt like…It felt like before.

"Skyfire," Starscream murmured; feet pressed onto the berth, arms around Skyfire's neck, he started moving his hips again, "You feel perfect."

The words made Skyfire shudder all over, and he pushed his face against the side of Starscream's head, lip components tracing out the Seeker's helm ridges. He bucked up, and Starscream met his erratic thrusts, sighing in contentment.

"Commander—!" Skyfire moaned, but Starscream touched their foreheads together, and shook his head.

"Not Commander. Say my name."

"_Starscream," _Skyfire moaned, and Starscream kissed him in gratitude, his spark blooming in his chest.

They moved together, Starscream's arms wound tight around Skyfire's neck. Skyfire himself had gripped onto Starscream's sides again, and Starscream was swallowing his moans, intoxicated by them. Charge was building in his circuitry once more, but it didn't matter. Skyfire was inside him, all around him, and Starscream never wanted to leave.

His optics offlined, and he reveled in the sensations. This was Skyfire. Just like how things were meant to be. The wait was worth it, everything that had led to this single, perfect moment was worth it. Starscream felt loved again.

He broke their kiss with a gasp and clung onto Skyfire, pressed his lips onto Skyfire's shoulder and let himself go.

_I love you._

_I love you—_

Starscream groaned, the noise breaking off into something that was almost a sob, and clutched at Skyfire, shaking his head. He couldn't say it aloud. He couldn't bring himself to. He wanted to _tell _Skyfire, wanted to let him know, but it wasn't possible. Too much was at risk. Starscream could hope as hard as he wanted to, but things were not as they were. He couldn't do it.

But he mouthed the words against Skyfire's plating nevertheless, again and again, and pretended.

/

This wasn't what he had come to Starscream for, but it was probably the best damn thing that had happened ever since he woke up knowing nothing. He hadn't paid attention to any of his base protocols, caught up in his problems. He was swept away in Astrotrain's and Blitzwing's battle lessons, too, and simply had no time.

So when he finally indulged in interfacing, the intensity was almost too much.

He hadn't knocked on Starscream's door for this. But they had connected, and Starscream's presence was a fluctuating weight in his frame. Like the Seeker was torn between delving deeper or putting more distance between them, and it was so sad. Skyfire had listened to Starscream's messages and it almost broke his spark, both for his sake and the Air Commander's.

There were two sides to loss, after all.

Starscream had asked him permission with a tremor in his voice, and hope in his optics and Skyfire could not say no. He wanted the contact. He wanted to give Starscream that particular closeness.

And now he was overwhelmed with pleasure, with heat and charge, and Starscream was touching him like he was the most precious thing in the world. But Skyfire was...unsure. Would things still be the same after this? Would they go back to being strangers? Would Starscream ever look at him this way again? Would he finally feel like he belonged?

He could feel Starscream's face against his shoulder, the Seeker's mouth moving to form words, yet he couldn't hear what they were. There was moisture too, too frequent and steady to be anything but tears, and Skyfire held Starscream just a little tighter.

As he finally reached climax, frame shaking hard, Starscream's fingers light pressure on his face, Skyfire let himself hope, just a little.

/

The din of their cooling fans was slowing down, despite the ever present heat shimmers over their frames. Starscream had settled on top of Skyfire, fingers still affectionately pushed into Skyfire's vents. It was familiar. They had done this many times.

Starscream could stay like this, for eternity.

The rumble of Skyfire's engines underneath him was comforting. Any time now, the shuttle would reach for Starscream's wings, and toy with his ailerons. Sometimes he would trace glyphs on the plating, and Starscream would try to guess what he was spelling. Anytime now.

"Commander," Skyfire said instead, and Starscream froze. His entire frame went still. _No, _he thought, _Please._

He pushed himself up instead, off of Skyfire, and looked at the mech's face, "I told you to call me Starscream."

Skyfire reset his optics, confused, "I...You did? I'm sorry, I don't..."

He didn't remember. Of course.

Starscream slipped off the berth, feeling oddly hollow. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to leave.

"Commander?"

"No!" Starscream snapped, before lowering his tone, "No. Just...Don't be here by the time I come back. Understood?"

Skyfire looked bewildered, but Starscream wasn't looking at him. The shuttle nodded still, "Y-yes, sir, I'm sorry if I— "

Starscream left the room.


	8. VIII

_a(n) (un)healthy dose of angst before the last chapter! also in an astounding display of narcissism, i made a playlist for my own fic! amazing. it'll be posted super soon, along with the last chapter. thank you and sorry for everything :')_

* * *

It was not difficult to go on with life. Starscream adapted and survived–it was in his nature. It wasn't difficult at all.

Skyfire was still under his supervision, they interacted daily. Neither of them brought up what had happened; perhaps Skyfire did not even remember; and that was fine with Starscream. That was preferable. It also seemed as if Skyfire's qualms concerning his memory loss had lessened, or they had settled, but Starscream didn't really care.

(He didn't care, no, even if it felt as if he had bile in his intakes at times, bitter black and suffocating at the mere thought of the shuttle. Even if Skyfire would speak to him now with soft words and a gentle voice, like Starscream was something fragile, and it _infuriated _Starscream, it made his spark stutter and sway and he knew that no number of kind smiles from Skyfire would ever be due to love. Not ever. Not for Starscream. He was done pretending.)

Thundercracker and Skywarp had brought up the issue of Skyfire's presence once, to tease Starscream, and never did again. It could have been the answering look on Starscream's face, or the violent flaring of his field, but they stopped altogether.

That was two weeks ago.

Starscream was, first and foremost, the Decepticon Second-in-Command. He was aware of that. Megatron was aware of that, as well. So when the warlord demanded that Skyfire join the next raid for energon, Starscream did not protest. He knew his boundaries. Sure, he crossed many of them, he angered Megatron on a daily basis, but to get slagged for a fellow soldier? That had never happened, and Starscream intended to keep things that way. Even if it was for Skyfire. That shouldn't mean anything. It still did not matter.

Skyfire had been training for weeks. It was due time.

But war was war and mechs reacted to being in the battlefield in different ways. Skyfire had always been a lover, not a fighter. Even during their worst arguments, Skyfire would glare fiercely and his frame would thrum with aggression, but he never lashed out. His words could be biting, but that was all there was to it. Starscream had never seen him strike anyone, never recalled him being physical in his anger. Skyfire would have hated this war. He would have hated what the Cybertronians had become. He would most likely avoid confrontation unless absolutely necessary, Starscream was sure.

But he didn't know Skyfire now, his assumptions would not be accurate. There was no telling how things would turn out. Skyfire might get hurt really badly. He might be ruthless, violent. He might turn out to lust for violence, like some of the more aggressive Decepticons. He might turn apathetic. There was no knowing.

Which was ironic, considering Starscream was the person who supposedly knew Skyfire the most. Even Skyfire had said so. It was almost hilarious.

Starscream was fairly brilliant, but he couldn't predict what would happen.

(One possibility came to mind most often, a scenario that Starscream thought would be most plausible, and yet he silenced himself again and again, not wanting to even entertain the notion of Skyfire–)

His soldiers stood in a line before him, at the ready for their mission. His trine, the Coneheads, mechs with flight-capable altmodes. They've all been briefed, they knew what the plan was. Starscream's hands were behind his back, under his wings, and as he stopped in front of Skyfire, he gripped at his own wrists.

"Are you sure that you know what to do?"

"Yes, Commander," Skyfire nodded.

"You'll be carrying most of our army. Don't mess up."

Skyfire nodded once more, serious, and yet a small smile curved his lip components, "I promise I'll do my best, Sir."

His inexperience was as clear as day. He could get seriously hurt in the battlefield. He could get killed.

Starscream gave him a hard look, before moving on. Orders were orders. Starscream could think up all the dangerous situations, and it wouldn't make a difference. They had been putting this off for too long already.

(If Skyfire was in danger, he'd do something about it.)

They were ready to move. Skyfire had transformed, patiently waiting as the troops entered his hold. Most of the Decepticons would be transported by Skyfire, excluding the fliers, of course, and Starscream paced to and fro as they waited for the army to settle down.

"You're hovering," Megatron had said, when Starscream walked a little too close to the warlord. Starscream shot him a dirty look. He had all the right to_ be _concerned, too. They had never done things this way before, there were always risks. Skyfire was still his responsibility and he was the Second-in-Command. Of course he was concerned.

(Didn't explain how he pulsed his field outwards a number of times in inquiry, and Skyfire replied with reassurance every time, still very patient. He seemed to know enough to keep Starscream updated when pinged. It could be that Astrotrain and Blitzwing had warned him, or he simply didn't want Starscream to get mad, it didn't matter. Starscream had no reason to tell Skyfire to stay back.)

Then it was time to depart. One last field pulse and Skyfire's reply was almost cheery, pleasant affirmation at the warning that they would be leaving soon, and Starscream retreated to stand with his trine, flanked by the two Seekers.

Megatron had gave him a look, one that would just make Starscream angrier if he acknowledged it, like always, before entering Skyfire's hold as well. The cargo doors closed afterwards, and Skyfire prepared to fly. His engines powered up with a loud noise, and his thrusters lit up, and Starscream looked away.

This was it.

He ran a few steps forward and transformed, his trine doing the same, and they were airborne, following the flight plan Soundwave had set up for them. The Elite Trine and the Coneheads flanked Skyfire as they headed towards their destination, a form of defense, and once again, Starscream was fully aware of Skyfire's presence.

It used to be just the two of them flying, side by side. They had raced, they had chased each other and zoomed through the vastness of space and–Starscream just–

There was nothing beneficial that could come out of reminiscing. Starscream fired up his thrusters again and zoomed out of formation for a few seconds, before Thundercracker and Skywarp matched his pace. They pinged him with curiosity, but knew enough to only do so a few times. Starscream had his moods.

Their destination was devoid of any living being. That was good. If they were lucky, it would remain so till they were done taking the energon. Skyfire had touched down and opened his hold, and the Decepticons filed out of him to start working. Starscream resisted the urge to ask Skyfire how he was again, but found that he didn't have to. The shuttle transformed, stretched slightly, and eventually glanced over to where Starscream and his trinemates had landed.

Skyfire saluted with a smile.

And Starscream looked away with a scowl. Everything felt so wrong. And Skyfire's smiles _still_ made him feel weak; it was stupid. He didn't want to think about it.

Like an answer to a prayer, the Autobots arrived. Mass comm. alerts were spread and the Decepticons prepared themselves. Megatron was already excited; he always was when there was an opportunity to face Optimus Prime.

Starscream and his trine stood in their battle formation as well, and before they transformed, Starscream risked a glance towards Skyfire.

The shuttle seemed apprehensive. To be expected, this was his very first battle, after all.

War did different things to a mech.

The Elite Trine transformed and shot up into the air, flew a loop before redirecting their course downwards. This was exactly the distraction Starscream had needed. The Autobots seemed microscopic from up here.

He could lose himself in gunfire and violence. He would be in his element.

Nullrays primed, battle protocols active, the Decepticon Second-in-Command dove straight for his enemies, thoughts of mercy and of Skyfire banished from his mind.


	9. IX

_there's a little** self harm** in this! just so you're warned. its pain inflicted on oneself as a distraction, but it doesn't get intense, i think._

_wow. i finally finished this. hahah oh mann thanks for everything. i'm sure people expected this, or didn't expect this, and im sorry! also many thanks for reading this series. i have definitely caused myself a lot of pain, i achieved what i wanted through writing this. hopefully you guys wont hate me so much! but thank you again. it was a fun ride. _

_i made a playlist for this because i am vain as all hell: 8tracks dot com/kingeridan/reset_

* * *

He had been expecting things to turn out this way. He had had his suspicions.

Thus when Skywarp pinged him, the alert not urgent in nature, not a plea for help; just concern and confusion and incredulity, Starscream chose not to acknowledge the Seeker. When he heard the din of engines firing to life, and the loud noise of an aircraft lifting up, he did not turn around. He refused to.

Skyfire left.

In the midst of battle, Skyfire had transformed and powered up his engines and took off into the air. He left.

Then Starscream heard Megatron roar, but there was no telling if it was because of Skyfire, or because Megatron was engaging Optimus Prime, or whatever the warlord got up to. And then Starscream was shot.

It wasn't anything major; a blast to his side that ripped off a superficial layer of plating, but it was painful. Starscream welcomed it. He shot at the perpetrator blindly, madly, not even caring who it was. His null rays fired and fired to the point of overheating, and he dug his fingers into his wound while trying to stanch the energon leaking out of him. Pain was a miasma of color that bombarded his sensors. He didn't care. Let it hurt.

Megatron ordered a retreat soon enough. They had lost in retrospect, not being able to flee with the amount of energon they had planned for. Not many Decepticons were injured, but it was all for the better. Astrotrain had energon and soldiers stashed into him, the ones who were too injured to travel via altmode. Blitzwing had his wing blown off by some Autobot and was virtually useless for mass transportation.

They had boarded the Nemesis, and Starscream had stood in front of Megatron to report the status of his Seekers, bleeding still. Megatron had listened, he didn't say a word. His lipplates had twisted slightly though, as if he would burst into laughter at any moment. Scorn was in his optics. Starscream dug his fingers into his side again, and finished his report.

They didn't talk about Skyfire.

Megatron addressed it eventually, simply ordering Skyfire's name in the rosters to be deleted and the schedules to be rearranged to accommodate his absence. Like a casualty. There was no talk of pursuing the wayward shuttle; Megatron probably refused to expend any effort for a search team.

Neither did Starscream. He had considered the idea of Skyfire leaving. He had rejected it. He was an idiot to have done so.

He had been hoping on Skyfire's ingrained loyalty to him. Surely Skyfire would stay by his side, they had promised each other that a long time ago. They had agreed that anything would be tolerable as long as they were together but then again, that wasn't how things were. Skyfire didn't remember the war, didn't remember the prejudices and the revolution. No one would lay out their life for something they don't remember experiencing. Skyfire didn't even remember _Starscream_.

What was to stop Skyfire from leaving him altogether?

Nothing.

Starscream didn't go to Hook for repairs. He patched himself up with a medical kit, and let his nanites do the work. The distraction was something he needed.

He couldn't blame Skyfire. Skyfire would not have remembered making a choice for his own sake. Leaving, was technically the first choice that he made for himself. And even if he chose to leave-to leave Starscream-it wasn't. It wasn't personal.

Slag happened. If Skyfire had been recovered from the ice with his memories intact, things would have been different, Starscream was sure. He would have remembered their promises. Starscream would have meant something to him.

It was funny, in a way. The whole situation was. To have waited millions of years, for nothing. The ache in his spark only seemed to intensify, and that was irony at its best.

Skyfire had left him.

Starscream sat on his berth, twisting slightly so the pain in his side overcame the pain in his chest, and tried to laugh. It came out as an ugly sob, and he gave up.

/

Things went back to normal. Mechs left Starscream alone for about 8 days before Starscream snarked back at Megatron during a meeting that caused him a broken cockpit and a split glossa, then it was like nothing had changed.

Starscream thought about Skyfire a lot, despite not wanting to. Skyfire was gone, he had accepted that. But Skyfire was out there, somewhere. How was he doing? Was he safe? How was he coping with his surroundings, was he still on Earth or in outer space? Was he still alive?

The Seeker had been contemplating such questions while sitting at the control room when Soundwave entered the space, making more noise than he usually did. It almost seemed deliberate. Soundwave hadn't been there when Skyfire left, he had stayed on their ship.

It was only the both of them present, at the moment. They hadn't been in the same space for a while, due to Starscream's preoccupation with monitoring Skyfire. Starscream spoke without thinking.

"I blame you for everything, you know? It's your fault."

Soundwave paused visibly, his hands hovering over a control panel before he turned to look at Starscream.

"...Affirmative. Soundwave: did not think attempt of resuscitation through. With further understanding of shuttle's situation, memory loss could have been avoided. Soundwave: reckless."

There was no need for Starscream to even clarify his accusation. That was as close as an apology as Starscream would get. And Soundwave had no need to say what he did, there was literally no obligation on Soundwave's behalf to even _say _anything, even Starscream knew that, and the fact that he did made Starscream want to purge his tanks.

Was he that pitiful? Did he seem that devastated over Skyfire's absence?

Soundwave didn't even mention Skyfire's name, and Starscream was a little grateful for that, "...Yes. You were. So was I. It would be preferable that you don't make that mistake again, if we're ever faced with a similar situation."

And he turned back to his console.

"Yes, Starscream," said Soundwave, almost quietly, and he too resumed his work.

It wasn't enough. But it never will be. And somehow, for now, Starscream would accept things as they are.

/

Laserbeak's presence was like a slight ripple from within Soundwave, a light disturbance. His awareness was even quieter.

:_You will not be telling him, Soundwave?:_

Soundwave pinged him through their bond for an elaboration, and he could feel Laserbeak's little sigh, :_Starscream. You won't tell Starscream of the tracking signal the shuttle emits?:_

_:Query: What good would Starscream's knowledge bring?:_

Laserbeak pulsed understanding, after a moment of hesitation. Soundwave was right. They were able to keep track of Skyfire. So what?

It was better to keep the information to himself, in case he needed the advantage. Starscream was notorious for his rebellion, anyway. The Seeker had a moment of vulnerability, Soundwave would have been a fool to not exploit it.

And perhaps Starscream was better off not knowing. For the sake of the Decepticons, Soundwave would withhold information that could deteriorate their high command. Anything was possible.

He would just do what he did best, for as long as it would take. Keeping silent.

* * *

In another universe, Skyfire is brought out of his stasis without complications. His memories are preserved. He leaves anyway.


End file.
